5 STEPS - HOW TO GET AWAY WITH THE 'STEALTHY POO'

Do you hate public number two's and want to know how to get away with a crafty 'Ker-plunk'?  

I hope you're not eating while you're reading this, but this just may prove very useful to those of you who find yourself unable to drop a Deuce when out in public or at the mother-in-law's, lavender-scented abode.  I am, unashamedly, one of those people.  Comparing people's toilet habits to those of animals, I think you have 'dogs', who'll pretty much do it on your foot if you don't watch yourself.  Then you have cats...who find themselves a spot, establish a far away "I'm trying not to notice you watching me" stare  and promptly do their best to cover up any evidence they'd even considered doing such a horrid thing.

I remember when I lived with my brother, Andy; he called me out of my room to ask about something I felt was considerably insignificant...given the task he was currently undertaking.  He flung the bathroom door open to converse more easily...and I found myself chit-chatting with my brother as he sat on the toilet...eating the leftovers of last night's kebab.  Where I'm a meek, little cat...he's definitely a proud and unashamed canine.  

When at university, I found myself staying once a week at student halls, with shared bathrooms.  Had I known then what I know now, I may not have needed to drive a 15 mile round trip to the local services  for the sake of anonymity and the helpful fact that they play music in the toilets (Gordano near Bristol, if you're interested).  I know, "Shit break" from the movie American Pie comes to mind.  But there was no alternative.

Those of you who share my heightened sense of awareness will relate to sweating through the gut ache of trying to wait, at all costs, to get to an appropriately private location for a Doozie.  However, despite my best efforts -and a hernia- I have had to, over the years, develop a whole range of techniques for the stealthy poo.  Sometimes you just can't wait.  Sometimes you're staying for a weekend in a shared house.  Sometimes, you just have to yank the pants down and get re-acquainted with last night's dinner...where ever you are.

5 STEPS - HOW TO GET AWAY WITH THE 'STEALTHY POO'

First of all, we're looking to minimize the impact of three different factors.
These are:
SOUND
SMELL
SKIDS

STEP 1 - Do it in the shower
Well, not in the shower!  If you can synchronize your poop schedule with your daily shower (should you be staying somewhere that has a combined toilet and shower room), this will save you a lot of trouble and, dare I say, give you time to relax and enjoy the event.  The noise of the shower will provide a blanket of sound over any splash or splatter and give time for the smell to disperse as you shower. However, I still recommend you follow this step by step guide to maximize discretion, even in the most unforgiving of situations. Turn the shower on before you proceed to step 2.

STEP 2 - Close the window...
...for the time being.  While, psychologically, you'll want to open it to minimize smell, we first need to deal with SOUND.  Closing the window will prevent anyone outside from hearing a particularly unforgiving splash.  If you're in a public loo, we'll just have to make do with step 3 onwards.

STEP 3 - Catch and swivel
 This is where it gets complicated.  Get a handful of tissue paper and get your hand in the bowl and ready to catch.  Hold the bog roll in your other hand in preparation for step 4.  If you're a guy, hold off peeing until step 5  We're looking to support the Doodie as it lowers to the water in order to do away with that giveaway 'dunk'.  You'll need to do your best to get it all out in one go, if you can.  Lower it as far as you can without getting your hand wet...and now we get a little busy.  The moment to finish the 'catch' is when you're either about to hit water or you feel you're going to get a little noisy with any accompanying flatulence.  Abandon the catch..you've done all you can.  Now turn and flush the chain just as you get noisy.  The roar of the toilet will cover up any roar of your arse and, more importantly, throw any listeners off the trail.  They'll think you've finished going for a pee and will be none the wiser.  This also gives the the Doodie minimum exposure time to the air, dealing, simultaneously, with the majority of Sound AND Smell.  Clever, eh?

STEP 4 - Wipe...fast.
You have a window of opportunity here.  We've all heard people pulling toilet paper apart...it's a dead giveaway.  The cistern is still filling up and making a fair bit of noise.  You do not want to take your time at this point!!!  You should already have the roll of paper in hand from preparation at step 3.  Use it.  Now!  As soon as you turn from the flush, start wiping.  Be quick and effective.  You should have been able to take care of everything before the loo quietens down.  If not, reach for the tap and turn it on to trick any listeners into thinking you're washing your hands as you disguise the sound of toilet roll breaking.  It's also a good idea to make noises to simulate blowing your nose.

STEP 5 - Clean up
Well done, that's the worst of it over.  We've taken care of Sound and Smell, for the most part.  At this point, open the window if there is one and spray any fragrance, if there is any.  You've still got your tissue paper and the last S in the bowl, Skids.  We can deal with this relatively easily.  Take the toilet brush in hand, stand over the bowl...and flush.  I've learned the hard way to wait until the tissue has gone down before trying to get rid of any Skids with a toilet brush.  You end up with a tell-tale mess tangled up in the bristles!  As soon as the tissue disappears, start using the brush.  If there isn't one, that's why you saved your pee.  Guys, aim and spray. Target any mark that needs particular attention and let the flush do the rest. Ladies, should the second flush fail to clean the bowl, you'll just have to resort to wiping the bowl with loo roll and going for a third flush.  Again, make nose blowing sounds to trick anyone that you're simply flushing a snot rag. 

This technique has taken years to develop and refine, so don't be surprised if it doesn't all go to plan the first few times you try it.  I recommend practicing somewhere that you're comfortable.

Best of luck!!!