I love that song's lyric: "A friend in need is a friend indeed".
Do you want to know who your friends are?
Recently, circumstance has shoveled a little excrement my way, which has served to highlight some interesting facts about my life. The biggest revelation during this time related directly to how different people in my life make me feel. Do they make me feel supported? Loved? Listened to? Even...happy? Something I very much realized was who decided to be there for me.
Let me say, I'm not someone who hankers after sympathy and attention. If I can get on with it myself, I will. But I was very moved to see who, after getting the idea that I was going through a hard time, made a purposeful effort...just to say "Are you ok?"
More than that, I was surprised...and hurt...by who didn't.
Three people, in particular, surprised me by getting in touch. They were always friends, but we'd just lost touch. But apart from one person, those I see on a very regular basis and drink with, failed to come through. Chose not to offer that time and ask how I was.
You can't realize something like that and feel the same way about your social group when the trouble subsides. I found myself on the upside once more and got myself out and about. I found myself feeling quite numb around those I'd thought would be there for me, but who failed to come through. I saw how much they, actually, talked about themselves a lot...and really didn't know much about me.
So, it got me thinking. Here are a few ways that I now critique my friendships. They are just what I learned from this experience, but I hope it gets you thinking.
1) You can lose touch, but they're there when it matters
As I said, three people made the effort to get in touch. One of these was actually a friend of my ex-partner, but just wanted to check in, which I found rather lovely. The other two were friends I used to talk a lot with, but jobs and study meant we moved away from each other. However, we do live in a technological age, with Facebook, Twitter and the like. Geography doesn't make or break friendships. When I've been side by side with mates who've chosen not to ask how I was, it meant a lot to realize that even those who were too far away to give me a hug had been checking in on me. And then, when it mattered, clicked 'Send'.
The other point here is that two individuals can change every circumstance in their life and not talk regularly, but you get on just the same as you always did. A friendship is built on respect, love and interest in the other person.
2) Friends are HONEST
There's nothing that should make you feel listened to more than when a friend looks you in the eye and says
"I think you may have that a bit wrong..."
It means they've given you the time to talk. It means they've actually thought about what you've been saying. Most importantly, it means they're comfortable enough with you to risk disagreeing with you on a very personal matter. It could be a tad angering when you spill your heart to someone and they tell you the opposite of what you'd like to hear, but keep in mind...only your true friends who've spent time to listen and are close enough to you could do that. So, take a moment, think about what your friend has advised. They're close enough to have you reject their views too!
3) Friends are for life...not just for Christmas, birthdays, nights out
What I mean is, it should take more than circumstance to bring people together. I have many people who'll call themselves my friend because they regularly see me when we're each at a particular place, but there's never an invite for a specific meet up or chat. A coffee date. A movie evening.
I noticed that around mutual friends (both male and female) with my ex-girlfriend, I would always receive the invites through her. There was a lot of Facebook or Twitter chatter that I wasn't included in. Also, most conversation between us as a group was directed at her. I soon realized that they had become her friends...and I was her boyfriend. A plus-one. Even she didn't invite me to group activities. When we broke up, she received a lot of support from them...and I wasn't approached. That's fine, because it made me realize something:
A friend is not just pleased to see you when you happen to be there. That's a 'mate'. A friend wants to see you when you're not.
On that note, thank you to those friends who've been there for me. And everyone else: I'll see you around.
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