Being a loner...can be lonely. Does it have to be?

For the last few days, I've treated myself to a little bit of random road tripping. One of the appealing aspects of devoting my working life to both music and writing, is that they are each extremely flexible and mobile. I would be a fool not to try getting away. You can't pack the car, hit the arterial routes and not envision -and hope for- the movie-like escapades of some charismatic protagonist. I hoped to find myself at the centre of new groups of friends. If I was a movie character, I'm sure I'd find myself sitting in a bar or a cafe alone to see it turn into some scintillating conversation with some sharp witted and completely captivated brunette, who'd inevitably push for some sort of hotel room rendezvous. The possibilities are just endless...in the movies. In reality, everything's a little bit more...'British'.

Groups in cafes keep very much to themselves...and should you make yourself known with eye contact or a comment, it's usually met with a polite agreement and a -not so discreet- flurry of “Who's this odd guy on his own and talking to us” eye contact between the group members. People are unnerved by confidence. Or maybe they just want to be left to their own lives. Which is fair.

This morning, the place I intended to shower happened to have a broken boiler, so I trundled off to find some other means of washing. I got into a cafe and promptly ordered an Americano on hearing the wifi was good. As my coffee roared and crackled into existence, I asked if there were any gyms or swimming pools around which I could use for a shower. I thought it was something to talk about, to engage with these other humans. I thought there may even be some interest into who I was and how 'random' I was being with my week. I also thought local knowledge would be a good way to go. The answer was quite typical of less than 'people person' individuals...and in this technological age of ours,

“Get your laptop out and Google it. That's the best thing to do”. It wasn't meant so rude. It was dismissive, though. More than that, it was just the preferable option to them having to think about their local area and communicate with another human.

It just got me thinking...these days we have GPS, so we rarely wind the window down and ask for directions. These days we Google everything from our phones...so who would ask a local for their recommendation for a place to eat? We go by internet reviews and whatever is ranked highest on a search engine.

It seems petty. It seems a bit nit picky. But even making small talk with someone behind a bar is difficult...because they're waiting to serve you and slink off with their mobile phone. I guess I just feel like something is missing. To travel around is not going to be like in the movies, with script written interest between strangers. It, unfortunately, is really, quite lonely.

There are some exceptions to this, which I have enjoyed. There are a number of people I've enjoyed conversations with who have enriched the experience...and for those fleeting moments I would repeat this trip. So there is something to be said about how enriching spontaneous and 'new' conversation with a stranger can be. It's just a shame that there are just more barriers to one human interacting with another, largely related to the ease of answers online...or the fact that people would rather skip through their Facebook news feed than interact with the people who are actually in their physical vicinity. Sod it, though, I'll push through those barriers. Next time. Maybe I just need to be bolder...and more annoying.

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Who are your real friends?

I love that song's lyric: "A friend in need is a friend indeed".

Do you want to know who your friends are? 

Recently, circumstance has shoveled a little excrement my way, which has served to highlight some interesting facts about my life.  The biggest revelation during this time related directly to how different people in my life make me feel.  Do they make me feel supported?  Loved?  Listened to?  Even...happy?  Something I very much realized was who decided to be there for me.

Let me say, I'm not someone who hankers after sympathy and attention.  If I can get on with it myself, I will.  But I was very moved to see who, after getting the idea that I was going through a hard time, made a purposeful effort...just to say "Are you ok?"

More than that, I was surprised...and hurt...by who didn't.

Three people, in particular, surprised me by getting in touch.  They were always friends, but we'd just lost touch.  But apart from one person, those I see on a very regular basis and drink with, failed to come through.  Chose not to offer that time and ask how I was.  

You can't realize something like that and feel the same way about your social group when the trouble subsides.  I found myself on the upside once more and got myself out and about.  I found myself feeling quite numb around those I'd thought would be there for me, but who failed to come through.  I saw how much they, actually, talked about themselves a lot...and really didn't know much about me.

So, it got me thinking.  Here are a few ways that I now critique my friendships.  They are just what I learned from this experience, but I hope it gets you thinking.

1)  You can lose touch, but they're there when it matters

As I said, three people made the effort to get in touch.  One of these was actually a friend of my ex-partner, but just wanted to check in, which I found rather lovely.  The other two were friends I used to talk a lot with, but jobs and study meant we moved away from each other.  However, we do live in a technological age, with Facebook, Twitter and the like.  Geography doesn't make or break friendships.  When I've been side by side with mates who've chosen not to ask how I was, it meant a lot to realize that even those who were too far away to give me a hug had been checking in on me.  And then, when it mattered, clicked 'Send'.

The other point here is that two individuals can change every circumstance in their life and not talk regularly, but you get on just the same as you always did.  A friendship is built on respect, love and interest in the other person.

2)  Friends are HONEST

There's nothing that should make you feel listened to more than when a friend looks you in the eye and says
"I think you may have that a bit wrong..."

It means they've given you the time to talk.  It means they've actually thought about what you've been saying.  Most importantly, it means they're comfortable enough with you to risk disagreeing with you on a very personal matter.  It could be a tad angering when you spill your heart to someone and they tell you the opposite of what you'd like to hear, but keep in mind...only your true friends who've spent time to listen and are close enough to you could do that.  So, take a moment, think about what your friend has advised.  They're close enough to have you reject their views too!


3)  Friends are for life...not just for Christmas, birthdays, nights out

What I mean is, it should take more than circumstance to bring people together.  I have many people who'll call themselves my friend because they regularly see me when we're each at a particular place, but there's never an invite for a specific meet up or chat.  A coffee date.  A movie evening. 

I noticed that around mutual friends (both male and female) with my ex-girlfriend, I would always receive the invites through her.  There was a lot of Facebook or Twitter chatter that I wasn't included in.  Also, most conversation between us as a group was directed at her.  I soon realized that they had become her friends...and I was her boyfriend.  A plus-one.  Even she didn't invite me to group activities.  When we broke up, she received a lot of support from them...and I wasn't approached.  That's fine, because it made me realize something:

A friend is not just pleased to see you when you happen to be there.  That's a 'mate'.   A friend wants to see you when you're not.



On that note, thank you to those friends who've been there for me.  And everyone else: I'll see you around.  

5 STEPS - HOW TO GET AWAY WITH THE 'STEALTHY POO'

Do you hate public number two's and want to know how to get away with a crafty 'Ker-plunk'?  

I hope you're not eating while you're reading this, but this just may prove very useful to those of you who find yourself unable to drop a Deuce when out in public or at the mother-in-law's, lavender-scented abode.  I am, unashamedly, one of those people.  Comparing people's toilet habits to those of animals, I think you have 'dogs', who'll pretty much do it on your foot if you don't watch yourself.  Then you have cats...who find themselves a spot, establish a far away "I'm trying not to notice you watching me" stare  and promptly do their best to cover up any evidence they'd even considered doing such a horrid thing.

I remember when I lived with my brother, Andy; he called me out of my room to ask about something I felt was considerably insignificant...given the task he was currently undertaking.  He flung the bathroom door open to converse more easily...and I found myself chit-chatting with my brother as he sat on the toilet...eating the leftovers of last night's kebab.  Where I'm a meek, little cat...he's definitely a proud and unashamed canine.  

When at university, I found myself staying once a week at student halls, with shared bathrooms.  Had I known then what I know now, I may not have needed to drive a 15 mile round trip to the local services  for the sake of anonymity and the helpful fact that they play music in the toilets (Gordano near Bristol, if you're interested).  I know, "Shit break" from the movie American Pie comes to mind.  But there was no alternative.

Those of you who share my heightened sense of awareness will relate to sweating through the gut ache of trying to wait, at all costs, to get to an appropriately private location for a Doozie.  However, despite my best efforts -and a hernia- I have had to, over the years, develop a whole range of techniques for the stealthy poo.  Sometimes you just can't wait.  Sometimes you're staying for a weekend in a shared house.  Sometimes, you just have to yank the pants down and get re-acquainted with last night's dinner...where ever you are.

5 STEPS - HOW TO GET AWAY WITH THE 'STEALTHY POO'

First of all, we're looking to minimize the impact of three different factors.
These are:
SOUND
SMELL
SKIDS

STEP 1 - Do it in the shower
Well, not in the shower!  If you can synchronize your poop schedule with your daily shower (should you be staying somewhere that has a combined toilet and shower room), this will save you a lot of trouble and, dare I say, give you time to relax and enjoy the event.  The noise of the shower will provide a blanket of sound over any splash or splatter and give time for the smell to disperse as you shower. However, I still recommend you follow this step by step guide to maximize discretion, even in the most unforgiving of situations. Turn the shower on before you proceed to step 2.

STEP 2 - Close the window...
...for the time being.  While, psychologically, you'll want to open it to minimize smell, we first need to deal with SOUND.  Closing the window will prevent anyone outside from hearing a particularly unforgiving splash.  If you're in a public loo, we'll just have to make do with step 3 onwards.

STEP 3 - Catch and swivel
 This is where it gets complicated.  Get a handful of tissue paper and get your hand in the bowl and ready to catch.  Hold the bog roll in your other hand in preparation for step 4.  If you're a guy, hold off peeing until step 5  We're looking to support the Doodie as it lowers to the water in order to do away with that giveaway 'dunk'.  You'll need to do your best to get it all out in one go, if you can.  Lower it as far as you can without getting your hand wet...and now we get a little busy.  The moment to finish the 'catch' is when you're either about to hit water or you feel you're going to get a little noisy with any accompanying flatulence.  Abandon the catch..you've done all you can.  Now turn and flush the chain just as you get noisy.  The roar of the toilet will cover up any roar of your arse and, more importantly, throw any listeners off the trail.  They'll think you've finished going for a pee and will be none the wiser.  This also gives the the Doodie minimum exposure time to the air, dealing, simultaneously, with the majority of Sound AND Smell.  Clever, eh?

STEP 4 - Wipe...fast.
You have a window of opportunity here.  We've all heard people pulling toilet paper apart...it's a dead giveaway.  The cistern is still filling up and making a fair bit of noise.  You do not want to take your time at this point!!!  You should already have the roll of paper in hand from preparation at step 3.  Use it.  Now!  As soon as you turn from the flush, start wiping.  Be quick and effective.  You should have been able to take care of everything before the loo quietens down.  If not, reach for the tap and turn it on to trick any listeners into thinking you're washing your hands as you disguise the sound of toilet roll breaking.  It's also a good idea to make noises to simulate blowing your nose.

STEP 5 - Clean up
Well done, that's the worst of it over.  We've taken care of Sound and Smell, for the most part.  At this point, open the window if there is one and spray any fragrance, if there is any.  You've still got your tissue paper and the last S in the bowl, Skids.  We can deal with this relatively easily.  Take the toilet brush in hand, stand over the bowl...and flush.  I've learned the hard way to wait until the tissue has gone down before trying to get rid of any Skids with a toilet brush.  You end up with a tell-tale mess tangled up in the bristles!  As soon as the tissue disappears, start using the brush.  If there isn't one, that's why you saved your pee.  Guys, aim and spray. Target any mark that needs particular attention and let the flush do the rest. Ladies, should the second flush fail to clean the bowl, you'll just have to resort to wiping the bowl with loo roll and going for a third flush.  Again, make nose blowing sounds to trick anyone that you're simply flushing a snot rag. 

This technique has taken years to develop and refine, so don't be surprised if it doesn't all go to plan the first few times you try it.  I recommend practicing somewhere that you're comfortable.

Best of luck!!!