Make an ex an actual ex, for Heaven's sake! ...or at least your partner's!

Once upon a time..and I'm only speaking pre-2004 when Facebook came screeching around the corner and roared into our lives..we used to live in a world with clearer boundaries than we now know. We live in a world where our personal and professional lives are often muddied and thrown into one "profile pot". Our bosses are privy to the photos of our day at the beach with the children. We can nosey into their family Christmas albums. We have a thousand "friends" that we never speak to or think of, unless there is a photo or indignant status update that we can "Like"..not so much to communicate with said friend or show support, but more to make a statement about one's own thoughts on the matter, or even to make a point to someone else. Like a pinball bouncing around the machine igniting lights and emitting sirens here, there and everywhere, our attention, interaction with and exposure to the past, present, professional and personal is one crazy, unstoppable and unbridled mess. So I can't help but ponder and wonder. Work used to be a workplace. Our personal lives used to be personal. Each existed, most often, in their own space. Friends were the people you actually approached face to face and asked if they'd like to get a drink after work or go and see a movie. The past was left in the past as we moved on from relationships, communities or workplaces, perhaps keeping in touch with a few from each with whom we would exchange numbers and actually phone and talk to. I miss those boundaries. I think what we're left with is a diluted idea of the different roles in our lives and who we are to other people.

I remember as a boy, as I chewed on a Curly Wurly and wished I was permitted to walk nearer the curb on the pavement, my parents would erupt into sudden greetings with mutually delighted people -that I had never met. People from their past. Everyone's eyes were bright. Big smiles and excited, loud and cheerful voices would bellow a thousand questions and muddled answers, as well as the typical statement "Fancy seeing you here!!!". At some point, all of the involved party would cast their gaze down upon me as I gasped through a suicidal amount of Curly Wurly chocolate (didn't it always seem right to push the entire last half of the bar into the mouth?) and tried to smile as my mother would announce "Yes, this is Chris. Getting big now!". This was, unfortunately, a relative term, as among my own age group I was called "Lebrechaun", for a reason; I was tiny and also did magic tricks, I don't know. Now, I am not advocating going back to the "old days" like some nostalgic old man at the end of the bar talking about how it used to be. The car -even a Smart one- is better than horse and cart. Flares and chest hair with medallions are in the past, and that's a good thing. I do miss Gladiators, though.

These days (and I'm afraid I'll have to make that reference often from here on out, hopefully without sounding like the previously referenced old man at the bar), we have social media. For the most part, we're never off the radar of our past. The people we once knew, worked with, met at a conference are bopping up on our newsfeeds, mostly ignored..but there all the same. Of course, everyone handles this differently. Yes, social media is a great way to keep in touch with those friends or family members who gallivant around the world, or who have simply moved away. But then, there's nothing more personal and meaningful than saying to someone "This is where you can reach me, I'd love to stay in touch", rather than the opportunistic nature of favouriting a tweet once in a while. I do think of my nephew in Australia who took the time, recently, to phone the house just for a catch up. It meant so much more than a timely Facebook conversation, staggered over the two of us doing other activities around our laptops, waiting for the other to respond. Time was made for one another. It meant more and was a real human to human experience, which is something that I feel is diluted and dulled in our current social habits. Still, the main point I wanted to raise was regarding the way in which we decide who featured in our past and will stay there...and who we keep in our 'present'..and why.

Before social media such as the big F and Twitter became embedded in almost every aspect of our lives, if we found ourselves venturing into a new romantic relationship, we needed only to throw out the remnants of our old one following a whip around our home and perhaps deleting their number from our Nokia 1100 -remember those? I hold no ill will toward the 'new' when it comes to phones, for the record. Two tone screen displays and clunky video calling can stay in the days gone by, with my skate shoes and WWJD wristband. For the sake of 'moving on' and investing in our new relationships and the feelings and security of our new partner, most people regard it the correct move to empty their physical lives of photos and momentos. I don't think anyone would expect a new partner to be happy with wedding or holiday photos of an ex relationship to be displayed on the mantel, or wearing the ex partner's hoody while snuggling to watch a movie. At worst, any little box harbouring such things, if kept, would be discreetly stowed away in a corner under the rafters..and if found by a current partner would cause a few questions to be asked, such as "Why do you want to remember him/her?" And, all ulterior and guilty twinge feelings aside, isn't that fair? Who of us, honestly, want to think of our partner sitting alone in the loft, smiling and nostalgically rummaging through old trinkets, ticket stubs and photos of a love experienced in the past? Who of us are, honestly, comfortable with the idea of that? Granted, it may not be something that everyone struggles with, but it's true to say (and I've spoken to many about this), that most of us actually find it a struggle.

And now we have Facebook.

Prepare for a few "these days" here: Many of our past loves are no longer simply crammed into a box in the loft -and for those of us that didn't bludgeon them to death, nor are they simply represented by a box of keepsakes. These days the photos we may have discreetly kept are actually plastered over our Facebook albums and profile photos, suddenly bringing a new partner face to face with the fact that your tongue was down another person's throat while you visited the Louvre, with a comment still present and "Liked" along the lines of "That snog led to you scaling MY Eiffel Tower! ;) haha". Where ex couples may have kept each other's numbers for a while in order to get in touch over some final mutual debts, these days, ex partners are often featured in our friend list, with a nice green dot next to their name for an easy "Hello, how are you?" And these days, we may well find an ex of our new partner commenting on a particularly nice new photo, something like "HOT!!!" or "Still got it". Now, in any other face to face situation, no matter how liberal your thinking, if that was a face to face comment, that situation would not stay very friendly. And so, the boundaries are so blurred. Keeping photos and momentos hidden in the loft is one thing; but keeping in contact? Chatting to an ex on the laptop while laying in bed next to a current partner? Having an anxious disagreement in a new relationship because an ex has had opportunity to comment and blip up on one's radar with a comment, or a "Like". Obviously, there is no absolute right or wrong answer. The human experience and variables with each different situation mean debate over the matter can only be subjective and many different opinions justified. But, I will be so bold as to give my view and base it on experience. I've not had a girlfriend yet who has ever enjoyed finding old photos of me with an ex or who has happily handed an ear stud to me during a room clear out and said "Oh, that must be your ex girlfriend's, do you want to ring her and get it back to her?" I'll be honest about myself too; I've never enjoyed finding photos of my partner's ex fellas, or them together. I've never been thrilled that they still "have so much in common and like to chat and catch up".

An ex is not just a "friend". An ex is someone with whom we have shared the entirety of ourselves, emotionally, physically and more. Seldom are new partners comfortable with an ex being around, in any sense. So what is right? If you had to choose, should you invest in friendship with your ex, or a relationship with your new partner?

Sure, we have a right to remember our past. If we absolutely need to, though, in order to feel happy or at the expense of how our current partner feels, isn't that something to explore in ourselves? It's called "social media". We live in the shadow of what was once a much more interactive and real-time expression of social activity...it's all online. Back in 2003, how many people would have been happy to find out their partner was in the cafe with their ex, just "catching up and chatting about old times"? And just because it's currently done via a laptop, is it more acceptable and do you have more of a right to do so? Whether you'd leave your account open for your messages to be read by your partner is another matter.

A final thought. A common defense I hear from some that I've spoken to on the matter is that their partner needs to learn to trust. That their partner shouldn't ask them to clear out the past. I might venture here with questions for discussion, rather than giving my views. 1) Is trust not earned and trustworthiness not shown by selfless action for the benefit of a new partner?
and 2) A partner shouldn't ask you to clear out the past..but should they have to?

Who are your real friends?

I love that song's lyric: "A friend in need is a friend indeed".

Do you want to know who your friends are? 

Recently, circumstance has shoveled a little excrement my way, which has served to highlight some interesting facts about my life.  The biggest revelation during this time related directly to how different people in my life make me feel.  Do they make me feel supported?  Loved?  Listened to?  Even...happy?  Something I very much realized was who decided to be there for me.

Let me say, I'm not someone who hankers after sympathy and attention.  If I can get on with it myself, I will.  But I was very moved to see who, after getting the idea that I was going through a hard time, made a purposeful effort...just to say "Are you ok?"

More than that, I was surprised...and hurt...by who didn't.

Three people, in particular, surprised me by getting in touch.  They were always friends, but we'd just lost touch.  But apart from one person, those I see on a very regular basis and drink with, failed to come through.  Chose not to offer that time and ask how I was.  

You can't realize something like that and feel the same way about your social group when the trouble subsides.  I found myself on the upside once more and got myself out and about.  I found myself feeling quite numb around those I'd thought would be there for me, but who failed to come through.  I saw how much they, actually, talked about themselves a lot...and really didn't know much about me.

So, it got me thinking.  Here are a few ways that I now critique my friendships.  They are just what I learned from this experience, but I hope it gets you thinking.

1)  You can lose touch, but they're there when it matters

As I said, three people made the effort to get in touch.  One of these was actually a friend of my ex-partner, but just wanted to check in, which I found rather lovely.  The other two were friends I used to talk a lot with, but jobs and study meant we moved away from each other.  However, we do live in a technological age, with Facebook, Twitter and the like.  Geography doesn't make or break friendships.  When I've been side by side with mates who've chosen not to ask how I was, it meant a lot to realize that even those who were too far away to give me a hug had been checking in on me.  And then, when it mattered, clicked 'Send'.

The other point here is that two individuals can change every circumstance in their life and not talk regularly, but you get on just the same as you always did.  A friendship is built on respect, love and interest in the other person.

2)  Friends are HONEST

There's nothing that should make you feel listened to more than when a friend looks you in the eye and says
"I think you may have that a bit wrong..."

It means they've given you the time to talk.  It means they've actually thought about what you've been saying.  Most importantly, it means they're comfortable enough with you to risk disagreeing with you on a very personal matter.  It could be a tad angering when you spill your heart to someone and they tell you the opposite of what you'd like to hear, but keep in mind...only your true friends who've spent time to listen and are close enough to you could do that.  So, take a moment, think about what your friend has advised.  They're close enough to have you reject their views too!


3)  Friends are for life...not just for Christmas, birthdays, nights out

What I mean is, it should take more than circumstance to bring people together.  I have many people who'll call themselves my friend because they regularly see me when we're each at a particular place, but there's never an invite for a specific meet up or chat.  A coffee date.  A movie evening. 

I noticed that around mutual friends (both male and female) with my ex-girlfriend, I would always receive the invites through her.  There was a lot of Facebook or Twitter chatter that I wasn't included in.  Also, most conversation between us as a group was directed at her.  I soon realized that they had become her friends...and I was her boyfriend.  A plus-one.  Even she didn't invite me to group activities.  When we broke up, she received a lot of support from them...and I wasn't approached.  That's fine, because it made me realize something:

A friend is not just pleased to see you when you happen to be there.  That's a 'mate'.   A friend wants to see you when you're not.



On that note, thank you to those friends who've been there for me.  And everyone else: I'll see you around.